Were there ever two more weighted words? Well, probably, yes...but these are the words on my mind this morning. Letting go. Let go. Release...
I've not been a fan of the term. It was often brought up in therapy sessions or whatever self help website I might be perusing on a particular day. It was usually tied up in discussions of managing expectations and forgiveness, also two concepts I'm not exactly friends with.
When my therapist brought up the idea I often asked, why should I let go? Why should I let go of the fact that this person hurt me and that it has impacted my life in all sorts of crazy, effed up ways? To me letting go meant: I'm allowing this person to get away with this.
I've a five year old's sense of fairness at times. You hurt me, you caused me pain and thus, you should face some sort of consequences for it. Go sit in the corner and think about what you've done until you understand why you should be apologizing. Yes, my inner child is far more into time outs than direct punishment. In any case, letting go, forgiveness, releasing expectations - none of these sat well with me. And, in many ways they still don't....
But...
I've had a bit of a realization, a revelation, an idea that popped into my head a week or so ago. As framed above "letting go" still does not sit well with me, but there is a concept that does. There is something I can let go of, I can let go of the power the harm caused has over me.
I don't have to forgive you, but I can let go of the words you said that made me feel small, less than or unworthy of love.
I don't have to let go of the anger or the sadness, I am allowed to grieve the loss of years in which the beautiful parts of me were hidden because I only saw the portrait of ugly that was painted for me. I can toss that image on the bonfire.
I can let go of the anger at myself that I've carried for so long because I didn't live up to your expectations, and how I thought that I was somehow the one who failed.
I can't let go of your actions. They are there, they will always be there. But, I'm pulling the plug on their power. I can see the lies you told me for what they are.
I can let go of the space in my mind and heart that you have taken up. Space that should have been mine all along...
These are things I can let go of.
Now, I'd like to say that since having this revelation my life has been all light and flowers, but it hasn't. Some of these things have been living in my head for decades, and silencing their voices will take time. In fact it feels a little bit like they are making a last stand. That since I've decided to let go of the power they have held over me, they are screaming louder than ever...and they say the same thing, over and over and over...
"What if it's all true? What if you let us go and it turns out we were right? Better the devil you know right?"
I find I've nothing to fight back with: no mantra, no belief that I am different than what they say, no foundation of strength on which to stand, because all along their voices are the only ones I've heard, the only one's I've listened to. And when I turn my back on them I find I'm facing an emptiness, a big nothing...
But I'm discovering there is power in nothing. There is power in quiet. I am choosing to listen instead to the silence and I am willing to take the time to explore the empty spaces left behind.
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