The Elusive Conscious/Evolved Man (or why you fail at love!)

Today I came across this gem of an article, How to Attract a Conscious/Evolved Man, on ElephantJournal.com.  This is a website I usually avoid because, while I am sure it is well intended and sent forth with white light and love, it tends to be full of the sort of new age advice that often leaves me feeling like an utter failure due to an excess of negative thinking or not doing the right sort of internal cleanse or maybe not I'm not letting my inner wild woman run free enough.

I will also add that when it comes to so called triggers this sort of thing is really FUCKING HUGE one for me (all caps...it's important).  I have spent much of my life surrounded by those who professed to be seeking their authentic self or finding a way to live a so called right life.  And I witnessed all sorts of selfish, rude and sometimes outright cruel behavior because of it.

"Depression?  There is no such thing as depression.  You just need to think more happy thoughts man.   Stop being so negative..."

"Oh come on honey, what do you mean No? You can't deny that you are a sexual being.  Let your inner goddess run free...embrace the phallus." (I am truly not making this up)

"Why are you crying?  I was just being honest and authentic.  I'm sorry if being told a long list of your flaws and faults as I see them causes you pain.  You really just need to start doing the work..."

I freely admit that I come to this sort of thing with more than a bit of baggage BUT this has to be one of the most condescending bits of love advice I've come across.  It isn't instructions on how one can attract a so called "conscious/evolved man" so much as a step by step breakdown of why you will never, ever, in a billion million years attract such a man.

I went on a bit of a rant on facebook...:

Why can't you attract a "conscious/evolved man" because a "conscious/evolved man" is awesome and lives in a state of...
Posted by Spinster Jane on Tuesday, June 9, 2015

That's right you can't attract a "conscious/evolved" man because you are ugly on the inside.  Forget outside beauty standards!  You have not done enough inner self work to be worthy.  In fact you are so crazy fucked up you aren't even aware that such an amazing state of perfection with a penis exists!!!!

"The reason for this is that women can turn a blind eye to a conscious man as they are afraid that they may not live up to the same standards a conscious man lives to, or it may be that some women aren’t fully aware of how to recognise a conscious man when they meet one.

Due to a conscious man standing strong in his own truth, he can make others feel as though they have come face to face with all of their insecurities. It can feel as though the conscious man holds out a mirror so that other people see their reflections clearly and vividly"

In other words you don't see him because when you encounter such a man you are so repulsed by the reflection of your own flaws and inner faults that you simply turn away.  Like the elusive unicorn you can't see him. approach him or touch him unless you are as pure as he.  And sadly, my dear, you have not yet achieved such a state of being. 

It is okay.  Take a deep breath.  Ground and center yourself.  I am here to tell those of you who are worried that somehow your failings have caused you to miss out, that you indeed have nothing to fear for like the unicorn the "conscious/evolved" man as described in this article is a myth.  He isn't real; and if he were he'd probably be so damn tired from maintaining the strict regimen needed to maintain this state of awesomeness that he'd never leave the house. No human being on earth, aside from possibly Buddha and Jesus who apparently didn't date, have attained such levels of perfection. 

It is also possible, as suggested by a friend, that due to the deep sense of self loathing and neurosis women have lived with for oh, the past several centuries, that the "conscious/evolved" man never found his mythical match and has simply been bred out of existence.  And though we might mourn the loss of this legendary creature, "I'm okay with it, because the alternative seems exhausting."

One final note.  I am not completely dismissive of the new age movement.  I use techniques like mindfulness and meditation to cope with my anxiety.  I have used mantras to help me keep focus and I've done my share of labyrinth walks.  However, articles like this to me only serve to make people feel less than.  We've enough less than that we deal with every day (less pretty, less smart, less successful, less rich, less worthy, etc).  Healthy self esteem is a good thing, confidence is a good thing so is happiness, but for many people, myself included, and for a variety of reasons, these are sometimes elusive states of being.  To make someone feel that the reason they can't find love or companionship is because they are 'less than conscious or evolved' is damaging.

Each of our journeys are intensely personal ones, who is anyone to judge where in that journey we are supposed to be? We are all muddling through here, doing the best we can and we could all stand to have a little more compassion for where ever someone is on their path...man. 

A list...

I am sitting at the computer staring at a blank screen without any real idea of what I want to write about but with a deep need to express myself.  This blog post could go anywhere.

By the time it is done it might be...

...a rant about the seemingly bottomless pit of exhaustion I am in.  How not matter how much sleep I get, how easy I take it, or how much self care I do, I'm still so freaking tired.  How much I desperately wish I could afford to take a real vacation and for just one week not be in charge of anything. 

...a mish mosh expression of my mixed up feelings about spending three months at sea.  How I'm super excited (I heard a stop in France was added to the itinerary, OMG!) and how I'm also experiencing anxiety Will everyone forget me while I'm gone?. It  has added so much more to my summer to do list and how will I ever get it all done? Will my kitty remember who I am?  What if I don't bring enough underwear?

... an angsty diatribe about how it's been terribly difficult spring for me.  How I feel like I was chopped up into a million tiny pieces, crushed, melted and poured into a formless mass that has yet to cool down or solidify. And about how I'm starting to feel comfortable with this sense of formlessness I am experiencing. 

...an expression of the heaps and heaps of gratitude that I feel towards those who have helped to get me to the point where I can afford to do the Semester at Sea and how despite the anxiety I feel I know it is going to be awesome.  I could never have done it without all of you. 

...a few sentences about relief.  How I am getting better at self care.  How I'm realizing I can say no to things.  How I'm starting to maybe feel a bit like I can rebuild myself, make myself stronger, faster...better than before.  Um...

...a list of all the things rolling around in my mind right now that I want to publicly express in some fashion because I feel the need to share but I'm really hoping it doesn't come off as a plea for external affirmation because I really am getting better a providing that for myself.

The End

Where have I been?

The last post to this page was well over a month two months ago.    I always tend to slack off once the semester is in full swing.  Between classes, teaching, performing, working and life I just run out of time.  However, the past few months it isn't that I haven't been writing, it's that I've just not been writing publicly.

I've spent many hours doing some old fashioned style journaling with pen and paper.  I've kept a journal pretty regularly since the fourth grade.  I don't have all of them as I have developed a habit of purging them every few years (I burn them) but I have come to rely upon writing long hand as a way of processing things that are going in my life.  Blogging, while wonderful and cathartic in its own way, does not provide the same sort of "working through" that old school journaling does...at least not for me.

And I've had a lot to write about.  My life has changed immensely in the past few months.  My creative world has been in upheaval (though finally settling).  I've been working towards raising funds for my Semester at Sea journey and that too finally seems to be coming to fruition.  Mostly though I've been doing a lot of what you'd call personal work.

It's been a rather self reflective, inwardly directed couple of months which, as life always seems to have a sense of humor with timing, has occurred during a period of time when I've had to be rather extroverted in order to manage things like school, performing and teaching.  It has been a lesson in exhaustion and balance. 

In any case.  I'm finally feeling ready to write publicly again so you can expect at least weekly posts.  I also have one bit of other news.  I will be writing in this blog under my own name, Joie.  I already link this blog to my creative page and though I enhoyed the anonymity, Jane was never really meant to be a pen name but more a prepresentation of all women who are choosing their own path.

Here's to a happy summer of blogging!!!