A lack of perfection...

I am not perfect.  Okay, take a moment, let that sink in.  Now breathe.  I'm not perfect.

I try to live up to the standards of behavior I set for myself. Most days I think I'm pretty much successful.  There are however times that I am not.   Yes, it's true.  I am full of flaws, imperfections and character defects.  I make mistakes and sometimes I do things that are downright stupid.  I can be impulsive, sometime resulting in actions that are not in my best interest.   On occasion I'm even selfish.

It is difficult at times to accept this.  Not that I expect perfection of myself, I don't, and most mistakes are easily remedied   The rest, even the really awful ones, I try to process, correct, and learn from as best I can.  However, while I'm a pretty forgiving person when it comes to others, I am much harder on myself.

The fact is I want to be told that I'm okay.  I want to know that even if I do something really stupid or less than honorable that I am still at heart a good person.  Maybe this comes from being raised in a culture where external reward and validation is expected.  Pats on the back and gold stars are a part of everyone's upbringing.  It feels good to be told we are okay, and it feels awful when the reward does not appear and we assume this means something is wrong with us.

It occurred to me today that this is what so many of us seek in romantic partnerships.  We want to have someone there to tell us they love us because we want to know that we are worthy of being loved.  To find ourselves without a partner or a life mate might mean something is wrong with us and so we end up settling for a pairing that may be less than ideal or perhaps even unhealthy.  Instead of seeking a way to find that acceptance within ourselves, we continue to seek it outside.

We've all heard that old saying about having to learn to love yourself before you can learn to truly love someone else, and I'm beginning to believe that there really is a lot of truth in that.